Defiance
by Francesca Monterone
Summary: "… jeez, Bones, this is bad. Couldn't you have fallen for someone a little less difficult?"
1. Ira

McCoy gets into a serious spot of trouble, involving alcohol, erratic behavior and the beating up of two guys (and Jim, who tries to stop him) Pike has to intervene… but he has a rather unique way of doing so.

I do not own Star Trek or any of the characters, except for Anya Olivantes, Ryan and Samosa and the Archer kids.

I also took quite a few liberties with the existing characters and storyline: it's based on the newest film, mainly, but I changed a few things and omitted others, all for the sake of the story.

Have fun!

If you don't like male/male pairings, I suggest you either reevaluate your opinion or refrain from reading it ;)

* * *

Leonard McCoy woke up with what was literally the worst headache of his life. His whole body felt sore and bruised and the world seemed strangely out of focus. He blinked and noticed that his left eye was so swollen that he could barely open it. _What on earth…?_ Then he remembered and was torn between burying his face in the pillows in total denial of all that had happened and making for a speedy escape towards the next high spot from where he could jump, thereby solving _all_ of his problems.

"I'm going to kill myself," he announced.

"You wish," someone snorted next to him, and then Christopher Pike's face appeared in his field of vision. He was propped up on his elbow, watching Leonard intently, but with an unreadable expression.

Leonard groaned, turning away. He couldn't bear that steady gaze. It was just to humiliating, remembering all that had happened and knowing that Pike remembered it, too. "Fine, then I'll die out of shame."

"That's nothing people die from, or you ought to be dead by now. How do you feel?" "Horrible."

"That was to be expected," Pike said smugly. "You look a complete mess, by the way." "Yeah, thanks for telling me!" Leonard risked lifting the covers and had to admit that Pike was right. Most of his body was covered in blue and purplish bruises, cuts and scratches. His lips felt about twice their normal size and then there was the eye…

Cool fingers touched the side of his face. Leonard shrank back instinctively, then remembered that it was rather ridiculous, as Pike had touched a lot more than that the previous evening. "We need to get you to Medical. But not in this state, the poor nurses would get the shock of their lives."

Where did the man draw the energy to nourish his humor, even in a situation like this? "What'll happen to me now?" Leonard asked, although he was pretty sure about the answer. Pike surprised him, though. "You'll get up."

"Very funny. You know perfectly well what I meant."

"Oh, I do." Pike sat up, waiting for Leonard to turn around and look at him. When he finally had the attention he wanted, he sighed softly. "I expect you're waiting for me to tell you that you'll be thrown out of the Academy unceremoniously…? Well, guess what: I won't. In my opinion, it'd be the worst thing to do right now, so for the moment, you're staying. Literally… as you've apparently completely lost control over yourself and your life, I'll take over. Whether you like it or not, I don't care, but for the moment you're stuck with me and I'm not going to let you out of my sight till this mess is cleared up. Which means, you're going to stay here with me until further notice."

Leonard was staring at him. "What…?"

Pike nodded grimly.

"But… but… you're one of my instructors! I'm your student…! I can't…"

"You already did, so what's the fuss?" Pike shrugged.

"People will talk."

"_Let them_. I'd rather they talked behind my back about me having an affair with one of my students than about what really happened last night. None of my cadets, including Jim Kirk, ever got into the kind of trouble you're in right now and for your own sake, I'd like to keep it quiet. Otherwise, you _will_ be thrown out of the academy, I promise you that. Therefore you'll shut up and do exactly what I tell you. You'll stay here with me, you'll continue your regular classes and your work at Medical, and you'll formally and publicly apologize to Jim and the other two boys. You will also completely abstain from alcohol in any form, at least for the next few months, and if possible, for the rest of your life. Furthermore, I've already made a call to Counselor Olivantes, and she's expecting you tomorrow morning at eight to start a regular program. You _will_ attend to that program, no matter how humiliating you think it is. She's one of our best psychotherapists and quite possibly the only person around who can help you overcome your problems. There's punishment, too, obviously. I could hardly let you get away without it, so you're going to spend a lot of extra time at Medical, doing things you'd probably rather not do. Dr. Benedetti is going to oversee your work."

Leonard winced, yet he realized that Pike was actually being exceptionally indulgent. "Is there a punishment for seducing one of my instructors, too?" he asked softly.

Pike looked at him sternly. "Let's keep that part between you and me, shall we? Besides, I'd hardly call it a seduction. You desperately needed to get rid of some of that negative energy you'd built up inside yourself. It was sort of an emergency release. I just figured it'd be better if you took it out on a willing participant…"

Leonard shuddered, it was obvious what Pike meant by that. _So he believes me capable of rape…? Well, last night, I'd probably have been…_

"I won't tell you not to worry," Pike said, "but maybe it'll relieve your conscience to hear that I quite enjoyed myself. It was, although one of the most disturbing experiences of my life, rather exciting." His eyes twinkled.

Leonard shook his head. _Really, that man's impossible…!_ He'd never figure him out. "I thought, you'd be freakin' mad at me", he remarked dryly.

"What makes you think that I am not?" Pike asked, raising his eyebrows.

Okay, he had a point there…

"Come on, get up."

Leonard tried to and instantly winced. Every movement was excruciatingly painful and somehow the room seemed to spin around him in a swirl of impossible colors. "I think I have a concussion", he groaned.

"Wouldn't surprise me." Pike put an arm around his shoulders, half pulling him, half pushing him up. "There you go, hold on…"

It was so humiliating, but there wasn't much he could do about it, so he let himself be led to the bathroom. The shower was large enough to admit four people, yet he would have preferred it, if Pike hadn't stepped in with him.

"I…"

"_You_ are very likely to slip and hit your head again, thereby sustaining some more lasting damage, so I am definitely not leaving you alone, no. Stop being embarrassed in front of me, Leonard. I've already seen you at your worst, as well as completely naked, so don't be such a pansy."

It was the first time Pike had actually used his first name and he wasn't quite sure whether to take that as a good or a bad sign. Whatever it was, the next moment, firm but gentle hands were helping him to get cleaned up, wiping dried blood and sweat of his skin, steadying him, combing through his wet hair. It almost felt like caresses, but he knew that Pike was just trying to help.

"Why are you doing it, anyway?" Leonard asked softly.

"Why am I doing what?" Pike asked in turn, resting soapy hands against his back.

"Helping me."

"I can't have you endangering yourself and others."

"Why?" Leonard insisted. He wasn't satisfied with the answer he'd gotten.

"As for the latter, that should be obvious. Why I don't want you to hurt yourself… well, you'll figure that out in time. Once your self-esteem returns, I guess."

"What's my self-esteem got to do with anything?" Leonard asked irritably. He wasn't comfortable with Pike helping him so much. "Just answer the damn question, will you?"

"No, I don't think I will. You aren't ready for the answer just yet." Pike turned off the shower, stepped outside and handed his unwilling guest a large, fluffy towel.

* * *

Half an hour later, they were joined by Jim Kirk at the breakfast table.

"Jeez, Bones, you look like shit."

Leonard scowled. "Thanks for telling me. What are you doing here?"

"I enlisted his help," Pike said, helping himself to some coffee.

Jim studied his friend intently. "You know, this is all wrong. It should be _you_ telling _me_ that I messed up."

Leonard swallowed hard. "I'm sorry, Jim."

Jim waved his hand negligently. "Don't mention it. With all the trouble you got me out off, we're at least even now."

"He's not out of trouble, Jim. Not yet," Pike remarked, sipping his coffee.

"We'll fix it," Jim replied with his usual confidence. "And anyway, seeing that _you_ haven't eaten him alive, sir, he's probably out of the worst."

Pike shook his head at him, but couldn't keep from smiling. Jim had that effect on most people. "What did you suppose I'd do? On second thought, no, don't answer that question…"

Jim grinned.

"Take him to his rooms to change, once you're done with breakfast, and then to Medical. I'll see you both at dinner, 1900 hours, where you two will be publicly shaking hands with Mr. Ryan and Mr. Samosa."

Jim groaned. "That's humiliating!"

"Yes," Pike told him firmly, "that is the point. I'm hoping it'll at least keep the other two boys out of trouble for a while. With you I know it won't do any good… you're both troublemakers of the first order."

"And yet you put up with us."

Leonard couldn't keep from staring at him. That kid was impossible! _So what's this? He's being coy with Pike? Christopher Pike, of all people? I can't believe it!_

"Don't make me regret it," Pike warned him, but there was a glint of humor in his lively grey eyes.

* * *

"I do not understand him. At all", Leonard remarked, when they had left Captain Pike's living quarters.

Jim turned his handsome, boyish face towards him. "Whom? Pike? What's there to understand? He cares about you. He cares about his people, like any good captain should do, and you happen to be one of them, for the moment. It's why everyone admires him so much, Bones. He gives people just what they need. He's a role model and a hero to his students, he's a loyal companion to his equals, he's something of a second father to me and to those of the cadets who aren't human, like that pointy-eared bastard Spock, he's the one who explains human nature and flaws. He saw you lost control, so he's restoring it to you. And I think he genuinely likes you."

_I'm not so sure about the last one… hell, after last night, he ought to think the worst of me…_

"Hm… I really don't know, what I'm supposed to do… how I'm supposed to react to him…"

"Be grateful, shut up and do what he tells you to do, it'll probably be the right thing. I know you have that little authority issue of yours, but consider him a friend, okay? Someone else might have kicked you out of the Academy. He's trying to help you." Jim was quite serious now, unusually so. "You _do_ have friends, you know. And we worry about you. Nyota will have my head if she learns what happened last night."

"Then let's make sure she doesn't, shall we?"

"It's probably campus rumor by now."

"Oh, great," Leonard groaned. "Just what I needed…"

"You'll survive. It'll at least make your record a little more interesting" Jim said brightly. "That and the fact that everybody will be suspecting you of having a not-so-secret affair with Captain Pike, if he really means to keep you with him for the next few days."

"Days? It sounded more as if he was planning on _weeks_."

"Bully for you. You'll have a hard time denying it, then." Jim grinned wickedly. "Ah, the poor nurses! To think how they'll feel when they hear that the most handsome doctor at Medical is actually gay…"

"Jim, I'm going to hit you."

"Nah, you won't. Two reasons – first: you're still feeling bad about hitting me last night. Second: You know I'm right. Maybe you haven't admitted it to yourself, considering all the other personal problems you've had to cope with recently, but you certainly are more into men than women. Relax, Bones, that's perfectly all right. There are just as many nice guys out there as there are cute girls. Besides – if you're not interested in them, that leaves all the more girls to _me_."

"Don't you _ever_ think of anything else?"

Jim stuck out his tongue at him. "At least I know how to have fun."

"I don't want to have fun. All I want is peace and quiet."

"If that's true, you shouldn't go around hitting people," Jim advised.

* * *

At Medical, everyone made a big fuss over Leonard, and it wasn't very long till the only thing he wanted was to run away screaming from their endless questions and ministrations. Jim stayed with him for a while, offering sympathy, if nothing else.

When they finally let him off, he went back to his quarters, sitting down on the bed, unsure what to do or think.

They were right. He'd messed up.

He'd lost control, and people had gotten hurt because of it.

_Hell, you attacked your BEST FRIEND. Someone who cares about you, who trusts you, who is loyal to you, even now…_

He'd told Jim that he was sorry, but that didn't even begin to cover it. It seemed to him, that his life had been steadily spiraling downwards into a dark, fearsome abyss, filled with shame, hatred, guilt, remorse, violence and other self-destructive feelings since sometime before his divorce. Sure, he had halfheartedly tried to start a new life by entering Starfleet, but look where it had taken him…

Running away, it seemed, did not help. The nightly horrors had caught up with him, and now it was even too late to run. He was drowning. His negative feelings where suffocating him and he saw no way to free himself.

Desperation settled over him like a dark cloud of dust, threatening to bury him alive. He wanted to scream it away, but no sound ever left his mouth. Darkness enveloped him, taking away reason, taking away light and hope, carrying him off into yet another nightmare.

There was no possible escape.

* * *

At a quarter to seven, Jim came to get him and found him sitting on the bed, face hidden behind a lab report. If his friend noticed his disheveled look and that fact that he had actually not been reading, he failed to mention it.

They traversed the long corridors in silence, arriving at the mess hall just in time.

Pike apparently wanted to stage an example, since half of the teaching staff as well as dozens of students were there waiting for them. He himself was sitting at a table with two other instructors and a pale, fair haired woman Leonard had never seen before. Nyota Uhura was there, too, standing close to Spock, who seemed to miss the point of the whole assembly. When she saw them, she almost came running.

"You _idiot!_" Her beautiful voice rang out clearly audible. Leonard winced. "What on earth possessed you…?" Nyota started, but Pike waved her off, as Ryan and Samosa had just arrived. They looked as annoyed and uncomfortable as Jim and Leonard. Leonard noticed, too, that Samosa's face looked even worse than his own and that Ryan's left arm was bandaged from wrist to shoulder. He instantly felt guilty at the sight.

Pike mouthed something that sounded suspiciously like "Go ahead and get it over with already!" and they reluctantly approached each other. Jim nudged Leonard, who stretched out a hand, forcing himself to voice his apology. Neither Ryan nor Samosa looked as if they truly believed him and he couldn't blame them. He also apologized to Jim – again, who smiled at him, whispering "It'll be alright, Bones."

Somehow, Leonard doubted that.

Pike waved them, as well as Spock and Nyota over to his table. The meal was uncomfortable, at the very least. Leonard felt both Nyota and Pike watching him, while Jim was desperately attempting to make polite conversation, Spock was silent as a grave and the blond woman eyed all of them curiously. Leonard's lip hurt too much to make him enjoy the food and actually, he just wanted to sleep and forget.

* * *

When everyone had finished dinner, Spock was the first to leave. Nyota looked as if she would have liked to follow her handsome instructor, but thought better of it and decided to vent her sorely tried feelings on Leonard instead.

"I was so worried about you, you moron!" she hissed. "Rumor had it that you'd gotten into a fight with two guys twice your size and that you were hurt…!"

"Ah, but you shouldn't always listen to rumor", Jim cut in lazily, lavishing his irresistible smile on her.

"Shut up, you! As if I didn't know you were in the middle of the whole mess, too!"

"That's hardly fair, Nyota," Leonard said, "for once, Jim tried to get _me out_ of trouble."

"He did?" She eyed both of them suspiciously.

Jim nodded.

"Well… anyway, Leonard, _you_ seriously messed up! What has gotten into you?" She seemed angry, but he saw real, heartfelt concern for him in her beautiful dark face.

_There's another true friend you've disappointed…_

He noticed that Pike was watching them across the table. Their gazes met and somehow, Leonard felt even smaller at the look in the other man's eyes.

Pity.

Nyota, who seemed to fear that she'd been too harsh on him, took his hands in hers. "Promise me never to do anything that stupid again, Leonard…?"

He nodded mechanically.

Yes… never…

_That won't undo what you did, though._

Darkness again. Shame. Guilt.

A thick blanket of emotions, covering him, pushing him down…

Nyota squeezed his hands, then let go of them. "Have a good night." She got up, striding away from the table, but not without shooting him a last, worried glance.

Jim heaved a sigh. "Wish, she'd be only half as concerned about me as she's about you…"

But his friend was barely listening to him.

Not long after Nyota had left, Pike got up, motioning to Leonard to follow him.

"Good night, Jim…"

"Night, Bones… and…"

"Yes?"

"Be safe."

Leonard smiled sadly.

_Be safe? Oh, that's a good one, Jim…!_


	2. Insomnia

The next morning, Pike made sure that he was on time for his appointment with Counselor Olivantes by personally accompanying him to her office. They hadn't spoken more than ten words since the last night, but Leonard felt no desire to change that.

He hadn't slept much, tossing and turning and staring into the shadows that filled the simply but comfortably furnished guest room Pike had had prepared for him.

There were shadows everywhere.

Shadows in the room, shadows on his mind, shadows in his heart.

He didn't have the means to chase them away.

And standing in front of Counselor Olivantes' office, he doubted that _she_ had them. Leonard did not have a very high opinion of psychologists in general and he had always made a point of avoiding them as much as possible. At best, they were just strange. And some of them were downright creepy…

He idly wondered, if Dr. Anya Olivantes would be the "you poor dear, let me help you"-type or rather the "I know everything about you, so it is pointless to try to hide anything from me"-model of a psychologist.

When she appeared in the doorframe, he couldn't tell. Not yet, at least. But he had seen her before, the night before at dinner, sitting next to Pike at their table, not speaking much to anyone, but watching everything and everyone intently from light blue, almost colorless eyes. She was of medium height and rather thin, a slight, pale woman with waist-length platinum blond hair. He estimated her to be about Pike's age but it wasn't easy to tell.

She wasn't beautiful or even pretty, but the lack of color and the large, thoughtful eyes held a certain exotic fascination.

"Hello Chris," she said simply, turning those eyes on Pike and confirming Leonard's theory that they knew each other rather well. "You're a little early."

"I hope it doesn't inconvenience you?"

She shook her head. "It doesn't." And, turning her eyes on Leonard: "Good morning." She offered him a slender, pale hand, long fingers bare of any rings or other decoration. "I'm Anya Olivantes."

Leonard nodded in acknowledgement. "Leonard McCoy."

"I know," she said softly, and it sounded almost like a sigh.

Leonard began to wonder, what Pike had told her about him, but somehow he now doubted that the Captain had chosen Anya Olivantes to be his counselor merely for her professional credits.

"I'll leave you, then." Pike said and for a passing moment, Leonard didn't want him to go, didn't want to be left alone with the counselor. It was silly, of course. There was nothing, absolutely nothing, Anya Olivantes could do to harm him… or was there?

"Step inside, please." She held the door open for him, then showed him into a large, sunlit room. White walls were tone in tone with a thick white carpet that seemed to swallow all noise, and white furniture. A small fountain tinkled away in a corner of the room and there were plants everywhere, plants of every kind, lush greenery spilling out of pots in all shapes and sizes, crawling over surfaces, hanging down from the ceiling and even climbing up the walls.

It looked like a mixture between a hospital room and a greenhouse.

"Have a seat, if you want to." She sat down carefully in one of the white chairs that were loosely grouped around a low glass table. Everything seemed to gleam in the sunlight, there was not a sprinkle of dust anywhere.

"What if I prefer to stand?" Leonard asked stubbornly.

She shrugged. "You stand. I don't really care."

"You know, that's _not_ the kind of thing I expected a psychologist to say, _I don't care_. Aren't you supposed to be universally caring and understanding?"

She shot him a quizzical look. "Would you like me to be? Then I'm afraid, I'll have to disappoint you. I'm only human, after all. This is just a job to me, Leonard. Like being a physician or a baker or an engineer. I chose to be a psychologist. I might have chosen something else. I'd have liked to be a librarian or a botanist, too. But you've got to make some choices in life, I guess."

Yeah, he could imagine her being a botanist, sitting here amid all these plants.

"Aren't you going to ask me any questions?"

"Do you want me to ask? Would you answer them?" There seemed to be nothing but simple curiosity in those pale eyes. Not even professional interest, just… curiosity.

"Depends on the question."

"I don't like the ones that start with a _why_," she said. "Most of my patients don't seem to like them, either."

"I wonder, why," he muttered.

"We could start with the _Who_, I suppose. I'm not going to ask, who you are, because I've never met anyone who has been able to give me a satisfying answer that reached beyond the personal files so far. But let's talk about people. It's usually fun."

He looked at her, eyebrows raised.

No. Definitely not what he'd expected…

"All right. Tell me about your nearest and dearest, Leonard."

Somehow, the fact that she used his first name didn't bother him. She did it in a very casual way, as if it really didn't matter much to her.

"My nearest and dearest?"

"Ah, you know…" She waved a vague hand, "family, friends, lovers… people that matter to you. There have to be some of those."

It was an odd request, but somehow, he saw no reason not to answer. Most of it was either in the files or easily accessible common knowledge, anyway.

"There's my daughter, Joanna. She's almost eight."

She smiled vaguely. "I read your file, yes. Tell me something I haven't read yet."

"I love her very much."

"That wasn't in the files," she admitted. "But it's good to know, I suppose. Comforting, in a way. People should love their kids, shouldn't they? Anybody else?"

He shrugged. "Not much family beyond that. My mother, but I haven't seen her in a while. An aunt or two, a few cousins."

"Not that important?"

He shrugged again.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of. Family's something you don't get to choose. You're hardly compelled to love them, although many people seem to think so. I never got along well with my parents or my sister, but I love my best friends. I handpicked them and that makes all the difference."

Okay, she _was_ weird.

"You got any best friends?"

"One." You really didn't need more; especially if your best friend was Jim Kirk, a youngster who seemed to attract trouble the way a lamp hung outside at night attracted mosquitoes.

She nodded, apparently satisfied.

"Best enemies?"

He looked at her, beginning to question her sanity.

"One should have a few of those, too. A good, loyal enemy is something of a luxury, though very few people realize that."

"Er…" Truthfully, he didn't know what to say.

* * *

"She's a complete lunatic", he complained to Jim later that day.

"She's a psychologist, what did you expect?" His friend replied distractedly. He was busy staring at a girl who sat a few tables away from them.

"Don't know. Something… different. Not that, in any case."

"I take it, Anya managed to upset you", an amused voice interjected. Looking up, Leonard found Captain Pike standing right next to their table.

He raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Don't worry; she tends to do that to everyone from time to time. Even to me, and I've known her for twenty years."

"Comforting," Leonard muttered darkly.

Pike patted his shoulder, grinning. "She has a unique way of helping people, but usually it works quite well."

"What exactly did you tell her about me?" Leonard asked him suspiciously.

To his surprise, a slight blush crept over the Captain's face, something he'd never seen before.

"She has her way of getting you to tell more than you wanted to tell." He would probably have left it at that, but Leonard was insistent.

"And?"

Pike sighed. "Look, I gave her all the facts. She needed to know them. Beyond that… well… I don't know any of your personal deep dark secrets, so I couldn't tell Anya any of them. But she has a habit of finding things out without ever asking you for them."

"You gave her _all_ the facts?" Leonard asked slyly.

Hard to imagine that… wait a minute, was he actually teasing Captain Pike? Huh…

Pike was now looking pointedly at the ceiling. "Almost."

Jim, who had watched their little exchange with interest, raised an almost Vulcan eyebrow. "You guys hiding something from me?"

"No," said Leonard.

"Yes," said Pike.

Jim grinned. "Then don't be so damn obvious about it. Anyway, I probably wouldn't wanna know about it, would I?"

"Definitely not." Leonard agreed.

"Good. Then I'll leave you to your private conversation, before that gorgeous blonde over there has a chance to slip away…" He got up, whistling softly.

"You're incorrigible," Leonard called after him.

"I know. And I love it." Jim called back, laughing.

Leonard and Pike simultaneously shook their heads.

"That boy…" Pike let the sentence trail off meaningfully.

Leonard nodded. For once, it seemed, they agreed on something.

"He'll break the poor little girl's heart," Pike said lightly.

"She's hardly a little girl," Leonard protested. "Besides – any girl stupid or naïve enough to hook up with Jim probably deserves getting her heart broken. It'll be a valuable lesson for her."

"Not very compassionate, are you?"

"I've got enough on my own plate already."

"Glad to hear you admit that," Pike muttered.

Leonard shot him an annoyed look. "What are you, my troubled conscience?"

"Something along those lines."

"Your life must be pretty boring if you've got enough time to waste it on me."

"I happen to believe it's worth the effort." Pike looked at him intently.

"You're an optimist," Leonard snorted.

"You make that sound like a bad thing."

"It is."

Still gazing at him, Pike made a movement with his hand as if to touch him, but then thought better of it and retreated. Yet Leonard felt the Captain's eyes linger on him more than once during the course of that evening.

Somehow, this bothered him, although he was unable to determine why.

_What's the matter with him? Doesn't he have anything better to do than play nanny to me?_

_So Jim says he cares about me… I ought to be flattered, but I'm not. I just wish he'd leave me alone…_

* * *

Later he would blame it on Anya. Something she'd said or asked, or maybe just a knowing look she'd given him had set off the dreams again, and they returned in full strength.

He had spent a few rather uneventful days, dreading his morning talks with Anya, working double shifts at Medical and sharing meals and rooms with his mostly silent, yet ever attentive self-proclaimed savior.

He still failed to understand Pike's motives and this troubled him, but all that was forgotten, when his personal nightly demons caught up with him.

There were whispering voices on his mind, in his bedroom, echoing off the walls: _You killed him… killed him… killed him… killed him…_

_Murderer._

_You failed them… failed them… failed them… again and again…_

_Failed your parents. Failed your father. Failed your wife and failed your child…_

_Now you even failed your friends…_

He sat up straight, pushing away the covers and willing away the shadows, but they only seemed to grow, nourished by his anger, his fear, his hatred… they were his very own breed of monsters and they fed on his soul in order to sustain themselves, thereby consuming him from the inside out.

There were faces, dark, threatening faces within the shadows, restlessly moving about, their dead eyes staring at him, their mouths gaping in silent screams of rage and despair.

He tried to cover his eyes, but it would not do. Their shrieks echoed in his mind as he fought to retain his consciousness, his force of will, his sanity…

_No… no… I cannot… I WILL not give in to you…!_

_Murderer_, they wailed. _You killed him. You had promised to save him, but you killed him!_

And then there was Joana's voice and he heard her crying out loud for him.

_Daddy! Daddy where are you? Why did you leave me? Why did you abandon me?_

Of course, _abandon_ was a word little Joana would never have used as she probably didn't even grasp its meaning. But in this nightmarish dream-world of his, it did not matter. Everything was painted in varying shades of black and grey, there was no light to be found here, no hope, no reason.

He clutched at the sheets, trying not to lose control of himself and failing miserably as he buried his face into the pillows, a wail of despair rising from his chest.

_Why?_

_Murderer!_

_Why did you leave me?_

_You killed him!_

_Daddy! _

_You failed them!_

_Where are you?_

"Leonard?" A sleepy voice asked. He did not look up. It was not part of his dream, and therefore incredibly unreal at this time. But then the soft padding of bare feet on carpet thundered through the eerie silence as the voices stopped tearing at him to listen… they were waiting, carefully evaluating the intruder.

"Leonard?" Much closer this time. The padding stopped as someone came to stand next to him, warmth radiating off a large body. A hand touched his shoulder and he shot up, only to come face to face with Pike in his pajamas, his hair tousled and his face heated and softened with sleep. Staring wildly at him, or rather through him, Leonard was still captured in his nightmares as the other man moved closer, leaning over him.

Leonard did not move as much as a millimeter when Pike sat on the bed next to him, he did not even blink in return to the other's questions. He was far away, very far away in a dark and desperate place.

"Leonard, you've got to wake up." Pike, sounding genuinely distressed, had taken him by his shoulders and started shaking him.

Leonard was like a marionette, limply bouncing backwards and forwards, staring off into the distance, into the black void that filled his own soul.

"Leonard, please."

At last, Pike drew him close, wrapping him into a tight embrace.

It was his ultima ratio, and it did not fail.

Leonard shuddered, then collapsed, burying his face into the other man's shoulder, his whole body trembling with silent, tearless sobs.

* * *

When the first rays of light crept into the room, Leonard woke up to find himself lying in a sort of fetal position, with Christopher Pike curled around him as if to protect him from all evil that might creep out of his dreams and into the room.

For a long, peaceful moment between sleep and waking, it was perfect.

Once he came to fully comprehend the situation, it became awkward.

Pike was still asleep, his warm breath brushing against Leonard's neck. Sitting up or drawing away from him would wake him…

Waking him would lead to more awkwardness and questions.

Therefore, not disturbing him and pretending to be sound asleep seemed to be the best and safest choice. Besides, it wasn't too difficult to settle back into the pillows pretending that there was nothing more important to do, nothing to care or worry about. After a while, he started drifting off and finally, sleep reclaimed him.

The next time he woke, he was alone.

He rose and stumbled to the bathroom to get cleaned up, scowling at the merciless mirror and splashing his face with cold water. Putting on the red uniform that _someone_ had laid out for him, he wondered whether or not Pike would mention the previous night. Leonard himself sure as hell wouldn't…

_Someone_ had also made sure that breakfast was ready, awaiting him on the table in the spacious living area, and was now sitting in his white armchair by the window, staring intently into a mug of coffee. A large mug, that had 'bad night' and 'lack of sleep' written all over it.

Leonard joined him silently, not bothering with a _Good Morning _as it certainly wasn't one of those. Not surprisingly, it was Pike who spoke first, while Leonard listlessly spread strawberry jam all over his croissant.

"Don't worry about Anya, I've told her to reschedule the appointment. She understands."

"What?" Leonard scowled. "She understands _what_?"

"Everything, I guess." It was a typically vague answer. "More than I do, at least." There was that intense, scrutinizing look again.

Not the sort of thing Leonard needed right now.

"Look, I'm not going to…"

"I know." Pike interrupted him.

Leonard frowned. "You know what?"

"That you're not ready to talk to me. That's okay. I'm actually capable of accepting certain things without a lengthy explanation."

"Is that why you came to me last night?"

Pike shrugged. "You were in need of company and comfort. I happened to be the only person around. And frankly, I was a little too sleepy to call in Anya to patch up your soul or Jim to comfort you."

Leonard swallowed. It all seemed so simple and logical the way he explained it. And yet…

"Would you repeat the favor?"

Pike looked up from his mug again, surveying him closely. "You're frightened", he realized.

"That's an understatement."

"I'll be there, Leonard." Pike said simply.

* * *

"Those dreams Chris mentioned", Anya began a few days later, "when did they start troubling you?"

Leonard squinted in his chair, feeling uncomfortable at the question. "I… don't really know. I've had them for a while now. They come and go. Sometimes they won't bother me for months. Then they return. Some nights are worse than others."

"And recently?" She asked softly.

"It's been bad recently," he admitted. "Worse than usual."

"Is there anything that will help you to sleep untroubled? Anything that'll make them go away?"

"Medicine, sometimes. Sometimes alcohol. Physical exhaustion, too."

"The first two are out of the question." Anya said sternly. "And the last can't always be accomplished. We've got to find some other remedy. You might want to try some meditation techniques."

Leonard looked at her skeptically.

"Don't give me that look. I know that these dreams are merely the symptoms of a much larger disease, but sometimes it helps curing the symptoms before attempting to get rid of the actual problem."

Sighing, Leonard gave in. He had no choice, and he knew it. Between Anya and Chris, they were wearing out his stubbornness.

"Meditation it is."


	3. Turba

Thanks for the reviews, guys, they just made my day, especially since work was extrenely boring today. ^^

Should you find any more mistakes, please point them out to me. I'm not a native speaker and this story isn't exactly betaed, so I wouldn't be surprised if you found some.

* * *

"Jeez, Bones, it feels like I haven't seen you in ages!" Jim planted himself on the examination table in front of his best friend.

"Jim. You're interrupting my work."

"You're working way too much anyways," Jim complained. "Where's the fun in that? You need to get out from time to time, you know? Try a change of air and atmosphere before you suffocate beneath all that pressure you're putting on yourself."

"Thanks, but no thanks. I'm fine, Jim."

Jim stared at him as if trying to determine whether he'd already gone mad or not. "You're kidding, right? You look exhausted. Tired. Overworked. Unhappy. Just to look at you instantly makes me feel bad."

"Don't do it, then."

"Bones. Stop it. You're in desperate need of a friend's help."

Leonard snorted. "Yeah, right. I'm getting more help than I can handle already, Jim."

"Huh?"

Leonard waved a vague hand. "Well, look at them… there's Anya and Chris and Nyota and Christine Chapel, and even Dr. Benedetti! Everybody seems to be trying to help me."

"Anya's the psychologist, right? So she's just doing her job properly. And Nyota is _worried_ about you. She likes you, for heaven's sake! Lots of people do, actually… wait – did you just call Captain Pike _Chris?_"

Leonard shrugged, feeling vaguely uncomfortably. "Anya does it all the time. Must be rubbing off on me, I guess," he muttered.

A grin spread across Jim's face. "Na-ah. There was something in the way you said it. So you're starting to get along with him?"

"You could call it that, I suppose." _Considering that I've not only been living with him for the last two months, but also shared a bed with him more than a couple of times… in all innocence, of course. I am _**literally **_sleeping with him._

"Good." Jim nodded in satisfaction. "Because he likes you, you know."

"You mentioned that before."

"No, Bones, I don't mean he likes you the way he likes me or Spock or Nyota, or what's that other protégé of his called…? Sulu? Well, the Asian guy, you know… anyway he likes you that way, too, of course, but with you, it's just a tiny bit more."

"I noticed that he isn't forcing any of you to keep him company," Leonard replied dryly.

Jim rolled his eyes. "Come on, Bones, he's trying to help you. And besides, he's got a serious crush on you. A real bad one. I'm not quite sure if he's figured it out himself yet, but it's quite obvious."

"You're crazy. Deluded. Get a grip on reality, kid. Chris Pike isn't even into guys."

"That's true. He isn't into _guys. _He's into _you_. You personally."

"Shut up, Jim. He most certainly is not!" Leonard shook his head angrily. Why did his friend have to say such things? It upset him to even think about the possibility… no, there definitely wasn't any possibility. Chris was merely being compassionate. Nothing less, but certainly nothing more.

"He's a friend." He said simply.

"Yeah, right. And I'm Santa Clause."

* * *

"You're awfully quiet this evening", Chris said, looking at Leonard across the dinner table. His long fingers were idly playing with the pair of chopsticks, pushing around the food on his plate.

Sushi.

Leonard _hated_ raw fish. Unfortunately though, Chris loved it, and he loved preparing it all by himself, lavishing so much care on the artfully made rolls that Leonard just didn't have the heart to tell him.

_Careful. You're developing a soft spot there..._

He shrugged. "It's not like I'm usually all chatty and talkative, is it?"

"No, but _usually_ you're not staring at your plate during dinner as if you were trying to read the answer to life, the universe and everything out of it", Chris remarked dryly.

Leonard, who was still avoiding his gaze, felt annoyance rising within himself. "Damn it, Chris, I'm a doctor, not a diplomat! I'm just not fond of small talk."

"Ah. Well, that's a shame, considering that I was going to ask you to accompany me to a diplomatic function..."

Leonard's brows shot up. "What for...?"

"It's the Vulcan Embassy's annual spring reception. It used to be a horribly stiff and boring affair, but the current Ambassador's wife happens to be human and she really brightens things up."

"The Vulcan Ambassador is married to a human?"

"Strangely enough. You're even acquainted with their son."

"Ambassador Sarek is Spock's father?"

Chris nodded. "Don't mention it, though. Spock is not comfortable talking about his family. It seems that Vulcan society is just as xenophobic in its treatment of outsiders as its human counterpart. Anyway, the Ambassador's wife, Spock's mother, is a lovely person, and she's invited just about half of Starfleet. They're having a garden party."

"I'm surprised the Vulcan Embassy even has a garden", Leonard muttered.

Chris grinned. "It's going to be packed with people tomorrow night."

"And you're asking me to come along, because...?"

"You'd look splendid in a dress uniform...?"

Leonard snorted. "Now, seriously, Chris..."

"I _was _being serious," Chris protested, still grinning. "It is customary to bring along someone – family members, partners and so on... or, in Admiral Archer's case, your pet Beagle..."

"Jeez, thanks Chris, I just love being compared to Archer's pets..."

"There are worse things – and people – to be compared to."

"True, anyway, why are you so intent on bringing me? Just because I admittedly hate small talk and don't want to meet people? Did Anya put you up to it? Is this some sort of therapy?"

"How suspicious you are", Chris shook his head, looking almost sad. "No, I guess it was for the simple pleasure of having you there. Of spending some time with you."

"Yeah, since you're not seeing enough of me already..." Leonard snorted. "Really, Chris. Anyone ever told you, you aren't supposed to show favoritism? You're an instructor, you shouldn't favor some of your cadets above all others."

Chris frowned. "I treat all of my cadets fairly."

"Fairly, yes. But equally? You've got to admit that you have your little circle of protégés. Take Jim, for instance. Or Spock, though he's not a cadet anymore. Or that other kid... Sulu? And the blonde who's so exceptional in astrophysics – Tyra Darren?"

"Or you?" Chris asked, shooting him one of those intense looks.

"Or me."

"You're no protégé of mine, Leonard."

"Oh?"

"You're..." Chris shook his head, as if unable to express himself properly. "Well, far more, I guess..." And after a long pause in which Leonard was pointedly staring at the floor, he cleared his throat, asking: "Are you coming now?"

Leonard nodded slowly. "I'll be there."

* * *

"Leonard?" Nyota asked, staring at him. "Of all the people I didn't expect to meet tonight…!" She flashed him a bright, warmhearted smile.

"Wow, you look… well, stunning, I guess."

Leonard laughed, feeling slightly embarrassed. "Well, you know; I was going to say the very same thing to you. That is a lovely dress. And the color really suits you."

She blushed, giggling. "You think so?"

"Absolutely." It was a deep shade of purple, tailor cut to accentuate her beautiful body in just the right way. Not only she was gorgeous, but she also had taste.

_Smart, sexy, charming, attentive, brave… what more could a man ask in a woman? And yet you're not the least bit interested in her. Fool._

"Who are you here with?" Nyota asked.

"Captain Pike."

"Oh, that's right, you're still living with him…" She cast him a sideways glance. "I guess you're already sick and tired of the question, but are you two really…?"

"No." Leonard cut in rather sharply. "We're not."

Oh, how he loathed that question by now! How he hated denying what everyone took to be an almost undisputable fact…!

"Wrong topic?" Nyota asked softly.

He just nodded.

"Alright, then… I guess I'll be off trying to find Spock… he just wanted to get me a drink, but now he's disappeared…"

She smiled at him once more, looking rather distracted, then she left.

Chris caught up with him only seconds later, handing him an artfully molded glass filled with an alarmingly green liquid. "It's some kind of juice", he said when catching Leonard's skeptical look.

"It doesn't appear drinkable to me", Leonard complained.

"Trust me, it is. I wouldn't give you something I hadn't tried before, would I?"

"Bones! Captain Pike!" Jim pushed his way through the crowd, grinning broadly. He stopped just in front of them, running his gaze up and down his friend's rather stiff form.

"Whew. You're wearing a dress uniform."

"Blame him for that", Leonard muttered, pointing a finger at Chris, who acknowledged it with a rather self-satisfied expression.

"What's with the green stuff? It looks nasty. You're on a diet or something? They have good red wine, you know."

Leonard sighed mournfully. "Once again: Blame him. It sure wasn't my idea."

Jim shook his head at Chris in astonishment. "Good God, what have you done to that man? He's wearing a dress uniform, drinking fruit juice and actually listening to people's advice? Is that some kind of brainwashing technique you developed? Bones, you're getting soft in your old age. You have me real worried."

"Shut up, Jim", Chris admonished, but he did not sound very annoyed.

Both Leonard and Jim turned to stare at him incredulously.

"You did not just say that, did you?" Jim asked, apparently drawn between laughter and shock.

"Your point being?" Chris asked, eyebrows raised and trying to hide a smile.

"Whoa. So it goes both ways!"

"Huh?" Leonard frowned.

"Never mind, Bones. I'll leave the two of you to… enjoy your evening…"

With that he left, chuckling softly but audibly to himself.

"That was weird", Leonard said, his frown deepening. "What on earth…!"

"I think he was a little shocked at me telling him to shut up."

"Well it's nothing you'd usually do, but…" Then he remembered the conversation he'd had with Jim a while earlier. If his best friend thought Chris had a crush on Leonard, he was probably jumping to the wrong conclusions regarding their relationship.

Like just about everybody else.

Damn it.

The thought of the total injustice of his situation – everybody picturing him in a romantic or at least sexual relationship with Chris that he did not and was never going to have – was enough to get him down. In fact, it was downright depressing.

_This is so unfair. _

Suddenly, he didn't want to be at this party anymore. He didn't want to be surrounded by people who believed him to be happy (or at least reasonably content). He wanted to be in a dark, silent place hiding himself and guarding his broken soul against any more injuries.

Chris didn't appear to notice. "There's Captain Elena Montero over there. We were at the Academy together. Mind if I join her for a minute or two?"

"No, of course not."

_Just leave me here. I don't mind. Who am I to care about you…?_

Chris left and Leonard moodily moved to a less crowded corner of the garden. Blooming rhododendron bushes surrounded a small pond with a fountain. The evening air carried the sweet smell of honeysuckle, but Leonard wasn't in the mood to feel romantic about nature. He sat down on a bench that was nearly hidden between the flowering bushes, laying back his head and gazing at the darkening sky.

Just then, he heard a rather familiar controlled voice, speaking in low, reasonable tones.

Spock.

Of all the people Leonard really didn't need to meet right now…!

But then he realized that Spock was actually several meters away on the other side of the bushes and not speaking to him at all.

There was a woman's voice, soft but clearly audible, mingling with the Vulcan's.

"Really, Spock, you could have told me that you were going to bring your girlfriend. I would have made sure that she was greeted in the proper way and I would have prepared your father for it. But bringing her like this…! Your father has been asked about you and her by a number of people and he hasn't been able to answer them, because he doesn't know anything!"

"Mother. Nyota Uhura is hardly my _girlfriend_. I am fortunate enough to call her my friend and I have been tutoring her and monitoring her academic progress for a while, but I can assure you that our relationship is of a purely platonic nature."

"I don't know who you think you're fooling with this, Spock. Not me, certainly." The woman was laughing heartily now. "Anyway, now that I do know, I'm going to invite her over one of these days. I want to see for myself what she's like. To be sure, she's pretty enough and if you're tutoring her she's probably a rather clever girl too, but I'd like to know if she's aware of the implications of being with a Vulcan…"

"Mother!" Spock objected, sounding as if he were in physical pain. Leonard couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Parents could be a real pain in the ass, sometimes…

He idly wondered what his own mother would have to say had she known about his growing affection for Chris. Probably something along the lines of _Are you out of your mind, Leonard?_

_And she would be right, wouldn't she?_

_1. He's not available._

_2. He's not into men._

_3. He's too old._

_4. If he had any sexual interest in me whatsoever, I ought to have noticed it by now, sleeping by his side and all that._

_5. Even if all the above were meaningless, I'd still be anything but a desirable partner. Hell, I know that Chris pities me. How on earth could I ask him to love me?_

* * *

"What do you think you're doing there, hiding behind those bushes?" Anya's all too well-known voice roused him from his fit of self-pity. She was dressed in a spectacular deep blue silk gown, her hair done up artfully and decorated with a butterfly gem made of silver and sparkling sapphires. All in all, she looked nothing like her usual professional psychologist self.

"Really, Leonard, Chris has been searching for you for about an hour now, growing more and more aggravated. I don't know what he's thinking, but probably that you've managed to get into another fight or thrown yourself off a cliff or something."

"Nonsense", Leonard huffed.

"Is it? Well, you ought to take that up with Chris; he's the one worrying himself sick about you, not me."

"I'm a grown man, Anya. I don't need you and Chris to hover over me and look after me as if I were a naughty toddler."

"I disagree. Although Chris is probably overdoing it a little. But that's just him." She came to sit down next to him. "He's a strange man, Leonard", she added thoughtfully. "Very courageous, self-assured, hard-working… but then again, he can be so careful, so tender."

"Compassionate", Leonard summed up the list of Chris' virtues.

"In a way, yes. Maybe a little too compassionate. There've been a couple of times when he got his heart broken because of that. I warned him, but he wouldn't listen."

"You've known him for a very long time, haven't you?" Leonard asked, fascinated at the turn of the conversation.

"For many years, yes", she agreed.

"Did he ever… I mean, has he ever been with anyone?"

"As in "had a relationship with them"? If so, he hasn't told me about it. I've always suspected there was something going on between him and the first officer on the first ship he commanded, but to this day, Chris has neither denied nor confirmed it. She got married two years ago and after that, Chris would refuse to even talk about her."

"Oh."

_Figures that he'd have a lost love somewhere. He's probably still hurt by her marrying somebody else and not interested in any kind of romantic relationship whatsoever._

"You know, I like to call Chris a guardian angel", Anya said softly. "He's always taking care of others and rarely thinks about himself. I've told him he needs to change that, but he just laughs whenever I bring it up. In a way, he can be very unreasonable."

"You love him, though, don't you?"

"He's one of those special friends I told you about. We seem to be sharing that now… or am I mistaken in assuming that his friendship means a lot to you, too?"

Leonard shook his head.

"Speaking of friends – your friend Jim Kirk has been paying me a few very flattering compliments tonight. He's quite charming. He seemed very disappointed when I told him that I don't date men half my age, though." She laughed.

"Jim actually hit on you? Jeez, he's impossible!" Leonard frowned.

"As I said, I was quite flattered. He's a cute kid."

"Jim? Nah. Jim isn't cute. He's a lot of things, but he's definitely not cute."

Anya shrugged. "If I was a girl of seventeen, I'd instantly fall for him."

"Be glad you aren't", Leonard muttered.

"What about you, Leonard? Seen anyone you'd like to dance with?"

"I don't dance."

"It's just a figure of speech. You know what I mean."

"No."

"I think, you're lying", Anya announced brightly, before getting up. "I'll tell Chris that you're safe and in good health. He probably won't stop worrying, but maybe he'll stop searching."

"Just tell him I left to go home. I'm… tired."

Anya nodded.

* * *

Silence greeted him as he stepped into the dark apartment. He didn't bother to turn on any lights; the darkness draped around shadowy outlines suited his mood perfectly.

Questions haunted him as he wandered restlessly from room to room.

_Why?_

Why indeed…? In a time, so long ago that it was almost forgotten now, life had been so incredibly easy. Young Leonard McCoy had left his family and the small, sleepy Georgian town behind to move on to Atlanta; to study and learn and excel, to find his calling, his destiny. He had been so proud. Young, happy, successful.

It had been so simple… everything so simple…

The way seemed to be cut out for him, and yet everything appeared to be possible.

And then there was this girl.

The girl.

Jocelyn, nicknamed Joyo. Curly blond hair, baby blue eyes and the face of an angel. Gorgeous. Had she been but a little taller, she might have been a world- famous model.

Everything so simple, so perfect.

His life, his girl, his family.

Then suddenly, everything ruined. Shattered to pieces.

And now?

_Why me, why him? _

Love, Leonard had to admit, had never been easy for him. Maybe his standards were a little too high, or maybe, just maybe it simply took him too long to fall in love with anyone, to even notice that he loved them. And when he loved, he did so with passion. More passion, in fact, than was good for him or the other party involved. It had a strong tendency towards obsession. Jealousy was a green-eyed demon he knew all too well.

He had been jealous of Jocelyn. Jealous of her beauty, of her easy grace.

She'd been his most treasured possession. His prize, his diamond that he had to defend against all possible rivals. It had worn both him and Jocelyn out.

And in the end, what was left of their love? Dusty butterflies fallen to the ground with broken wings, and a frail, beautiful eight-year old child.

And now there was Chris.

Chris…! In all his live, there'd never been a man Leonard had loved the way he loved him. In fact, there'd been very few he even _liked_ or cared about (Jim among those). Yet loving Chris was in a hundred ways different from loving Joyo. It was not about the whole male-female thing, that didn't matter much, when you got down to the bottom of it all.

Chris had reached out for him, had drawn him in and encompassed him until Leonard's whole life had become utterly Chris-centered. There was much more to it than just living in Chris' apartment or wishing he would spend yet another night curled up around Leonard to keep the nightmares at bay. Leonard felt like he was wax in large, but gentle hands, ready to melt away and to be formed into all possible shapes and figures.

_You want me to be someone else, Chris? I'll do it, and gladly…_

He remembered the very first morning, Chris stepping with him into the shower, steadying him, helping him to wash away the filth and the blood and some of the shame of the previous night. Chris' hands all over his bruised body and almost, almost a caress…

And Anya, asking him who'd he like to dance with…! Well, wasn't it obvious? It seemed to be obvious, to everyone but her and Chris himself.

_They all believe us to be… together. Lovers. A couple._

_I just wish it were true…_

Longing. A hand reaching out into the darkness, desperate for the warm touch of another body… _where are you, where are you, my love…_

He clutched at the soft white sheets, inhaling. The smell that lingered within them filled his lungs with white fire.

_ChrisChrisChris, oh, why is this happening to me…? Why me?_

"Leonard?"

Soft syllables in the darkness. Warmth spreading through his body, but he made no move to get up.

_Let him find me here, what do I care…?_

A weight settling down on the mattress next to him.

"Anya told me. What is the matter with you? It feels like I spent half the evening looking for you…"

"When I left you, it seemed that you were happily chatting to Ms Montero," Leonard replied stubbornly. Jealousy. Again.

"We had some catching up to do," Chris conceded. "Her eldest daughter is going to give birth to twins in about two months, making Elena a very proud grandmother."

_Yeah, thanks for reminding me that you are like what – fifteen, twenty years older than me…? Definitely too old. And yet I love you desperately._

"I probably shouldn't have left you alone." A hand, brushing his shoulder.

An apology? An invitation?

"Why are you hiding here, Leonard?"

"I'm not."

_What for? I can't hide from my demons…_

The hand moving down between his shoulder blades, the touch suddenly turning intimate. _Or would that be wishful thinking?_

Leonard closed his eyes.

"Don't stop." Just another whisper in the dark.

Hesitation, a moment of silence, then Chris bent down pressing his lips to the point where his fingers had rested a moment ago, just below Leonard neck.

Leonard inhaled sharply and the next moment he felt Chris drawing away.

"Don't. Go on. Right there."

And to his greatest surprise, Chris complied. Until Leonard lay beneath him, naked, parts of his dress uniform piled around him, panting and staring up at him from eyes darkened with lust and something more, something deeper.

"I told you you'd look gorgeous in that uniform," Chris muttered, his voice husky.

"I'm just glad you made me wear it."


	4. Abyssus

If there was one truth that Leonard unconditionally believed in, it was this: life just wasn't fair. Nor was it pretty or fairy-tale like. He was a doctor, he ought to know. As for his own life, he knew pretty damn well that there would never be such a thing as a happy end.

Therefore, he should have simply accepted the fact that Chris was gone by the time he woke up; without trying to come up with reasons as to why he would have left.

It was obvious. Yet his heart and mind frantically clung to any straw they could find.

Chris was a captain in Starfleet, as well as an Academy instructor. It would not have been the first time that he had been called away unexpectedly and on short notice to solve some kind of problem, participate in an impromptu meeting or offer his expertise on some matter or other.

Yet this time was different. Leonard positively smelled it in the damp summer air.

Chris had not left out of necessity, or if he had, it was a necessity that had nothing to do with his profession and everything with the events of the night.

Leonard rolled around in the bed that seemed to large for one alone, staring at the ceiling.

_Dammit! You ruined it!_

He wasn't quite sure, whether he was directing that thought at Chris or himself.

* * *

As it turned out, fate had decided to show its merciless, unsmiling stone-face once more. The day progressed and things only got worse.

Leonard had been determined to tell Anya about the whole sad affair, judging that she was probably the only person alive capable of explaining Chris' behavior to him; but she cancelled the appointment as she had caught a fever.

At Medical, it seemed to be "bad patient day". There was the choice between whining hypochondriacs who appeared to be determined to annoy the crap out of Leonard and impertinent, reckless idiots who didn't see the point in letting anyone attend to their medical needs.

To make matters worse, Jim had picked this very afternoon to miserably fail the Kobayashi Maru test for the second time and was in a very foul mood afterwards, which he took out on everyone stupid enough to get near him.

When Leonard returned to the apartment, a sinking feeling in his gut, he felt annoyed and exhausted. Seeing Chris who sat brooding over a stack of papers he had brought from his office and piled up in front of him as if to shield him from any intrusion, did nothing to lighten his mood.

"We ought to talk," Leonard informed him.

Chris looked up and something in his face told Leonard that he had dreaded this very moment all day.

"Indeed," he said slowly.

"You're not happy about it," Leonard stated.

Actually, this conversation itself was masochism in its purest form. Nothing good could come from it, and yet he couldn't stop himself.

Chris sighed. "I made a mistake."

That hurt. He didn't even use the plural form.

"I should never have allowed this to happen." There was pain in his grey eyes, even grief; it almost hurt just to look at him. "My mistake, Leonard… I should not have… you were in my care, under my charge and this is just… it was wrong. Abominably wrong."

_You already tore the rug out from under my feet. There's no need to step on my broken body and crush me._

Chris cleared his throat. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "Really, truly sorry. I know that doesn't do anything to make things better or reverse what has happened, but there's nothing else I could tell you."

"I don't think you can take all the credit for it," Leonard replied icily. "There were two parties involved, remember? I'm not some sort of victim of yours, Chris."

_Or at least not in the sense that you're hinting at…_

"Aren't you?", Chris asked softly, then shook his head. "This doesn't lead to anything, Leonard. It just… hurts. You should… you should leave now. It'd be better."

Leonard stared at him.

_I cannot believe this!_

"You can't do this, Chris!"

"I have to." He seemed dazed, as if he was in some kind of trance.

Leonard stared at him blankly; feeling as if he had been stabbed, blood gushing from his chest. Then he turned around and stormed out of the apartment into the night.

* * *

"For heaven's sake, Bones, what do you think you're doing? Are you trying to drown yourself, or what?" He lifted his head out of the water, only to see Jim standing at the pool's edge, a mixture of annoyance and concern in his frown.

"I needed some exercise."

"Exercise?" Jim snorted. "I've been watching you for twenty minutes and the warden informed me, that you've been in here for the last _three_ hours. That's not exercise, Bones. That's a new form of self-flagellation. Whatever you're trying to prove here, it can't be healthy. Now, get out of the water!"

"I'm not trying to prove anything," Leonard replied stubbornly. "I just need to shape up a little."

"Bullshit. You need to get out of the water and tell me what the hell is wrong with you. I'd threaten to tell Pike about it, but he left for Rio this morning – some sort of conference thing, or so they told me."

_So he's gone,_ Leonard mused, feeling strangely empty at the thought.

"He wouldn't care anyway."

"Yeah right. Who do you think you're kidding? He's evolved into something of a guardian angel for you. It's almost scary. If we weren't talking about Pike, I'd say he's insane and in some sick way obsessed with you."

Jim looked at Leonard in concern, then a thought seemed to cross his mind, leaving its traces on his handsome face.

"Shit. This is about him, isn't it?"

Leonard said nothing, but climbed out of the pool on shaky legs, reaching for a towel.

Jim moved towards him. "Did you have an argument?"

"No."

He busied himself with the towel, turning his back on Jim, but his friend wasn't fooled.

"I guess that means, _yes_", Jim concluded. "What's the matter, Bones? Trouble in paradise?"

_Paradise? Nice joke, kiddo…_

"More like another dimension of hell."

Jim stepped to his side, reaching for his shoulder. Leonard drew back a little.

"Damn. Tell me."

"No."

"You want me to guess?"

"No."

"Did he cheat on you?"

"No."

"Did he hurt you some way or other?"

"Dammit, Jim, just leave me alone!" Leonard whirled around, ready to hit him or worse, but Jim caught him, restraining his arms, wrestling and fighting back until exhaustion, both physical and emotional, caught up with Leonard and he dropped limply into Jim's arms.

"You're not crying, are you?" Jim's alarmed voice reached him through the fog. "I'll kill him!"

"What for?" Leonard muttered. "Me being an idiot? That's hardly his fault."

"You're not an idiot. Last time I checked, love was not on the list of mental illnesses."

"Love? How did you… how do you know…?"

"Took me some time," Jim admitted. "I actually thought, he was the one in love with you, but seems that I was wrong and it's actually the other way round. Am I right?"

Leonard just nodded.

"I don't see the problem, though. Not yet, anyway. Granted that Pike's about the last person I'd fall in love with, but then, to each his own… will you tell me what happened to throw you back into your near-suicidal stage of three months ago…?"

Leonard swallowed, then told him everything.

For a moment, Jim was silent, but it didn't last very long. "Crap. Didn't I tell you some time or other never to get sex and love tangled up? Sex is about fun, love's about commitment. So you slept with him…? Ah – no need to go into details, really, I'm not into guys, especially if they are twice my age… jeez, Bones, this is bad. Couldn't you have fallen for someone a little less difficult? The psychologist for example? She's a freak, but at least her behavior is pretty coherent. You can't say that about Pike… what's all this about taking care of you, watching over you, making sushi for you, taking you to receptions and sleeping with you just to push you away in the end and leave?"

"Trust me, Jim, if I knew, I'd tell you…"

* * *

Jim tried his best to be helpful. He would not leave Leonard's side for the rest of the afternoon and the following few days, attempting to cheer him up or at the very least keep him busy and his mind occupied with other things. He went as far as to enlist Nyota's and even Anya's help.

Yet it would not do. Leonard found no comfort in their company. Neither Jim's attempts to distract him, nor Nyota's soft and caring bedside manner would do anything to console him. As for Anya, she seemed upset and more than a little annoyed herself, though her anger appeared to be directed primarily against Chris.

„This was _not_ how things were supposed to turn out," she muttered, grinding a dry leaf she had picked out of one of her plant pots to dust. „I warned him. Heavens know I warned him. And now he's ruined it. My work of the last three months! All ruined..."

Though Leonard himself agreed with her on this account, he was not too fond of her way of speaking of him.

„You talk about me as if I were some piece of art you molded and that Chris broke."

She raised her head to look at him for a second, a hint of approval in those strange colorless eyes. "Exactly. Because that's what it's really all about, Leonard."

„Thanks," he growled. „That makes me feel one hell of a lot better."

Anya waved his comment away with an impatient hand. „I probably should have done more than just warn him. But I hate to interfere in these things... and I thought something good might yet come from it. Chris' involvement seemed to stabilize you somewhat."

„That is, until we got _too_ involved," Leonard muttered darkly. „Right up to the point where I fell in love with him and he pushed me away and left. Which is something you could try and explain to me, being a psychologist and all..."

Anya snorted. „He left, because he's a fool and a coward. No, let me rephrase this – he's a fool, but it isn't exactly cowardice. It's him going into his self-denial mode again and getting all moral about things. It's him trying to control a situation that's already way out of hands. He let it escalate to this point and he knows it and feels bad about it. So now he's trying to punish himself for it. Which leaves you in the worst possible position."

„Yeah, I happened to realize that."

„Fools. You're both fools."

„Jeez, thanks Anya..."


	5. Ultio

And so Leonard started to slip right back into the abyss. He accepted it with a strange kind of fatalism, knowing that there was nothing he could do about it anyway, now that the one person who might have gotten him out of the whole mess once and for all, had actually pushed him back into it.

It was not exactly Chris' fault, he argued with himself. It was rather an alignment of unlucky circumstances.

Our weaknesses make us vulnerable to our enemies, so maybe it shouldn't have surprised anyone that Ryan and Samosa, who had been waiting for a chance to take revenge, decided to take action.

Leonard's lethargy only made it easier to seek him out and catch him off guard and his new habit of taking solitary nighttime walks across the Academy's vast campus whenever the dreams haunted him gave them the almost perfect opportunity to abduct him and drag him to a temporarily abandoned hall in the part of the vast complex where Starfleet's future engineers were trained for their work in outer space.

Both being enrolled in the engineering program, Ryan and Samosa knew their way around these buildings and they also knew that hall 415 was only used as additional storage room these days. No one would come here and interfere with their revenge.

"Payback time, McCoy," Ryan hissed, his face contorted by an ugly scowl, while Samosa tied Leonard's feet together, then grabbed two ropes dangling from the ceiling and tied his arms up to leave him hanging there almost helplessly. They had gagged him previously, but when Samosa proceeded to remove the gag, Leonard seized the opportunity and bit his hand.

Granted, Samosa's beefy fingers were about the last thing he wanted in his mouth, but the other man's pained and enraged scream was a small satisfaction.

"Bastard!" Samosa chocked out, kicking Leonard in the shins to leave him dangling for a moment. Pain rushed from his overstretched arms through his body and he gasped, struggling to stand on his feet again. Samosa's next kick, however, was aimed at his kneecaps and it was a direct hit. Leonard felt something splitter inside his knee and let out a wail of pain and a stream of curses.

"Not so cocky now, are we?" Samosa grunted in obvious satisfaction.

Ryan let out a bark of derisive laughter as he came over carrying something that Leonard couldn't see yet. From the gleeful look on Ryan's face, though, he suspected it to be a nasty surprise.

"You're known throughout campus as a _connoisseur_ of fine wine and a good brand of whiskey, McCoy. Yet I here that you haven't been drinking _anything_ to believe and a shame, but it can be easily remedied…" He held up a large bottle filled with dark liquid so that Leonard could see it. "Strong stuff, but I'm sure, you'll appreciate it." He opened the bottle and sniffed it. "Ah. Now, let's see…"

Leonard knew that they were going to force him to drink it, yet he struggled against it with all his might, because he also knew that this was likely to end in him suffering a severe alcohol poisoning and he had some past experience with that, both personal and professional; it definitely wasn't pretty.

Ryan and Samosa, however, had apparently anticipated this and they were as brutal as they were efficient in their methods. One restrained him, beating and kicking him, whenever he struggled, while the other forced the liquid down his throat. Leonard did not notice its taste, he was too busy keeping from suffocating.

It wasn't very long until a certain numbness settled over Leonard and he felt himself wrapped up in red fog. The pain faded away into a dull throb and the voices of his tormenters, their laughter and insults were but a murmur. His mind seemed to float aloof somewhere above his body and it registered what little of his surroundings he could still perceive with a sort of disinterested apathy.

Visions came to him, similar to the nightmares he was so familiar with, but less unpleasant. He saw people and heard things that couldn't possibly be there. It wasn't too bad, though. Everything was sort of dimmed, quiet, even peaceful.

He saw Jim, laughing heartily at some joke or other, and Nyota, her face alight with her beautiful smile. There was Christine, soft-spoken and caring as she told one of their patients not to worry about it, and Anya, her curious, questioning pale eyes. He saw Jocelyn, once again the happy, charming young girl he had first fallen in love with, and Joana, his precious little daughter, chasing after the neighbor's cat Stripes. And finally, there was Chris, his guardian angel… and – had things turned out but a little different – his lover. Here, it didn't matter, though. Everything was alright here. Chris was shouting something, but Leonard couldn't quite understand him. It didn't seem to be important, though.

Then someone else spoke, his voice familiar and yet…

_That's odd_, Leonard thought. _What's Spock doing here? He's not supposed to be here._

Somehow, this didn't feel right. This was a place for people Leonard loved and cared about, and frankly, Spock just didn't fit in here. And what was he saying, anyway?

"Sir, you need to stop, you're going to kill the man."

"So what, Spock?", Chris hissed in a voice that Leonard had never heard him use on anyone before. "He'd richly deserve it!"

"It is not our place to judge them and administer punishment…"

_Aw, Spock, stop talking like a goddamm lawyer or priest. You're ruining my moment!_

"Besides, I believe that it is their victim that requires our attention right now. I've already called for help and Medical is sending a team down here, but we need to get him down from there."

"Right."

Leonard heard a dull thump, and idly wondered if this was what it sounded like when a limp body was dropped to the ground, then someone moved up next to him and reached out for him.

"I've got him. Cut the ropes."

Leonard felt warmth encompassing him as the ropes slid down, his arms fell to his sides like dead weight and he sank back into a familiar embrace he'd never thought he'd feel again.

_Chris. So I'm probably not going to end up in hell…_

A comforting thought. He didn't know what he'd done to deserve heaven, but he was quite ready for it.

Chris was talking to him, soft words, reassurances mingling with caresses.

_Well finally. This is nice._

And with that thought on his mind, Leonard slipped into deep unconsciousness.

* * *

Odd fragmented dreams were floating through Leonard's mind. He couldn't quite piece them together, nor was he able to actively take part in them, but he settled into the role of a quiet listener. The dreams didn't make much sense, but they occupied his mind and he was quite comfortable, floating around, listening.

At first, the dreams involved a lot of shouting. People were shouting things about medical emergencies and immediate treatment. Someone's life was in danger and they all seemed pretty upset about it, so they took to screaming at each other.

_Very unprofessional_, Leonard observed.

Jim was there, and he was shouting, too.

_What's he doing at Medical? Someone should get him out if there really is an emergency._

To make matters worse, Jim seemed to be shouting at Chris and from the sound of it all, he would soon be grounded for seriously insulting a superior officer. It was unhealthy for a cadet to call a captain things like _idiot, daft oaf _and _asshole_.

_Jim, why do you always have to raise such a fuss?_ Leonard mentally sighed, then drifted off again.

The next fragment he consciously witnessed was a little quieter. Chris was there, and so was Anya, but apparently no one else. At first, Leonard felt a little uncomfortable; listening to their private conversation, but then it was just a dream anyway…

"Stop tormenting yourself, Chris," the psychologist ordered sternly. "I'm busy enough worrying about one victim, I don't need two of you. Frankly, there wasn't much you could have done anyway. Which isn't to say that I'm not blaming you for part of this mess, but for heaven's sake, you weren't the one who almost killed this one. You actually saved his life, along with the Vulcan."

"If it hadn't been for me, he wouldn't have been in need of saving," Chris replied quietly.

"They did not beat him up because you freaked out and ran. It just made it easier for them to get to him, because you weren't guarding him like your most treasured possession anymore."

"That's what I'm saying. I should have been there."

"Maybe so, but they would have found an opportunity to get to him sooner or later. If you want to take blame, blame yourself for what you actually did. Three months, Chris! You ruined my work of three months!"

_Aw, no, Anya, not again…! This is getting kind of boring, can't we have something else?_

"When I asked you a few weeks ago, you told me that you had everything under control, that'd you'd wait and that you knew what you wanted to. If you had made up your mind, why the hell did you change it?"

"I realized that it was wrong, Anya," Chris whispered. "I was taking advantage of the situation… I shouldn't have…"

"Nonsense, Chris. Either, you're in love with someone, or you aren't. You want my advice? Next time, tell the person in question about it, before you act on it. And if you aren't, keep the hell away from them, especially, if they happen to be one of my patients."

_Trust Anya to be frank, _Leonard thought, smiling to himself.

He started drifting again, until he arrived at another scene, in another dream.

A man's voice spoke, deep and calm. At first, Leonard couldn't understand the words, but he recognized the speaker.

_Why, it can't be…. Admiral Archer? What's he doing in my dreams? It's not as if I knew him well or anything…_

But something else distracted him. Someone was holding his hand and gently brushing over its back with his thumb. Chris. Leonard neither saw nor heard him, but he _knew_. This was his dream. It just had to be.

"… will be dealt with legally. We can't let this incident be covered up quietly like the first one. What? You thought I didn't know about that one? Christopher, there are very few things happening on these grounds that I _don't_ know about." There was a hint of amusement in Admiral Archer's voice. "My wife is head of the linguistics program and she likes to talk – in forty-two different languages, actually. Anyway, there's hardly a campus rumor that I'm not aware of."

And after a slight pause he continued: "I want you to know that I'm not quite happy with the approach you took in dealing with the first incident. It should have been done properly."

"Impossible. He would have been thrown out of the Academy."

"Maybe. Was that all you cared about at the time?"

"Everyone deserves a second chance, Jonathan."

"I agree. But your manner of dealing with the whole affair was rather… unique. Do you really think that you've done the young man a service? No, you don't need to answer that." He sighed. "I happen to know from personal experience that we're all fools for love. You know how I hate having to explain to people that Hoshi is my wife instead of my daughter? Everyone pictures me to be the gentle old grandfather telling stories to his grandkids, but people have a hard time believing that I'm actually raising a bunch of my own little rascals instead."

"I guess I've never thought about that," Chris conceded. "Yet again… that is _one_ problem I'm sure never to face." His voice sounded a little sad at that, and he continued to hold on to Leonard's hand.

"Don't be so sure of that. When I left my ship, I didn't think I was going to raise four kids, either. Some things just happen."

_Some things just happen…_ and with that, Leonard drifted off again.

* * *

When he woke up, he was almost alone.

Almost, because Christine Chapel was busy checking his vital signs.

"What do you think you're doing, Christine? I'm not due for a physical for at least another eight weeks!"

She startled, her eyes taking on the size of saucers. "Len! You're awake!"

She hurried to his side, taking his hand.

"Well, what did you think?" But then he noticed her worn look and the obvious relief on her face. "You've been worrying too much, Christine."

"About you, you moron!" She seemed torn between laughter and crying. "You gave us a right scare, you did! Two broken rips, a shattered knee-cap, not to speak of your arms and shoulders, and a serious alcohol poisoning! And then you were unconscious for so long, even after we had treated you."

"How long?"

"Four days."

"That's not possible!"

"I'm telling you the truth, Leonard. How do you feel?"

"Numb. Dizzy. Like someone filled me up with painkillers, which is probably the truth, isn't it?"

She nodded. "Ah, wait till I tell them! _Everyone_ has been worried sick about you. Even Spock checked on you twice, and you know how little really gets to him, being a Vulcan and all…"

"Before you run off and tell everyone, could you get me a glass of water? I'm really thirsty."

"Of course, Len."

* * *

"Bones! You're awake!" Jim positively stormed into the room, closely followed by Chris and Nyota.

"Now Jim, you might want to be a little more careful," Chris admonished.

Jim shot him a poisonous look over his shoulder. "I'm not sure _you_ should be here anyway."

"Jim", Nyota said quietly. "Don't be unfair. We're all just glad that Leonard is awake."

She turned to Leonard smiling at him.

"Is there anything we can do to make you feel better?"

"Kill Ryan and Samosa, maybe? You know, sort of slowly, painfully and publicly would suit me very well…"

Nyota frowned. "I fear that doesn't agree with Starfleet's code of conduct. They will be punished though."

"Severely, I hope," Jim added darkly. "Bastards. I should have known they'd retaliate. I'm sorry, Bones."

"Don't blame yourself, kid." Leonard shook his head.

"Admiral Archer is attending to the matter," Chris said. He was looking everywhere but at Leonard.

_Figures. My dreams were just dreams then. Tangled fragments of the mind. Nothing real._

Damn. Lying here, looking at Chris who was so far away and not looking at him, hurt more than any of his physical injuries.

_I'll have to ask Christine if there's some kind of painkiller for emotions._

"Do you need anything?" Nyota asked. "It must be pretty boring here. Should we bring you something to read? Favorite foods? You know, my roommate, Gaila, she makes this really great fruitcake…"

"Sure," Leonard replied absently, still absorbed in his own thoughts.

"By the way, Bones, your ex sent a message. She was wondering whether you'd take Joana for a week or two of her holidays. I told her that you were in the hospital and not likely to be able to take care of her, and I'm sure she understood…" Jim let the sentence trail off.

_Joana! Damn Ryan and Samosa!_

"Well, seems that I'm recovering. And I'd like to see my baby girl."

Jim grinned. "That's good. Because she sounded pretty disappointed, you know. She's gorgeous, by the way. Cutest kid I ever saw. Shame that she isn't ten years or so older. She's the one girl I might actually fall for and marry."

"And become my son-in-law? Never in this world, Jim. I'd sooner push you off some space-dock." Leonard grinned back.

"Aw, I'm hurt, Bones. Anyway, I can't wait to meet the little princess in person."

"Neither can I," Leonard replied softly.


	6. Iustitia

Thanks for the reviews, everyone! I really enjoyed writing this and I'm happy to see that apparently you enjoy reading it. I just love Chris and Len together, so there'll probably be more of this in the very near future...

* * *

Joana arrived just two days after Leonard had left Medical and she immediately brought life and laughter into his rooms. She bounced on the bed, chased Jim through the hallways, held a cake-baking session with Nyota and Gaila, in the course of which they messed up Leonard's entire kitchen and managed to annoy even Spock with her endless questioning of everything.

"I never thought that a human child could be quite so inquisitive," he remarked.

"Which translates to: He thinks she's adorable and as bright as a button," Nyota said, her eyes twinkling. Spock didn't object. He was busy explaining to Joana why Vulcans had pointed ears.

Joana got acquainted with every pet on campus, which included the Archers' litter of Beagles, and consequently, she also met all four of Admiral Archer's and Hoshi Sato's children. Charlie, Yumi, Mal and Sarah were aged between eleven and six and together with them; Joana explored most of the Academy grounds during her first week.

"You should get her to come more often," Hoshi remarked to Leonard when she came to collect her kids one evening. "They get along very well. Yumi and Sarah are quite impressed with her. Yumi told me the other day that she wants to do ballet too, because _my_ _friend Joana does it_, and Sarah named one of her dolls after her. Mal and Charlie have actually both made plans to marry her, when they are grown up."

Leonard laughed at this. "They'll have to fight with Jim, then. He's already announced the same thing."

"Ah, but there's one little problem: Jim Kirk will never grow up." Hoshi grinned.

"True," Leonard had to admit.

Yet it was fun to watch Jim playing with Joana. He was forever inventing new games for her and sometimes Leonard had to remind him that he, as opposed to Joana, was not on holiday and had classes to go to.

"Can I come, too?" Joana asked.

"You wanna go to school during your holidays, honey?" Jim shook his head. "Trust me, it's boring."

"I just want to see what it is like. _Please._"

"Well… if you promise to sit still and keep quiet, I guess I could take you to my Romulan class. It's Hoshi teaching, and she probably wouldn't mind. After that, it's Advanced Tactical with Pike. I'm not sure what he'd have to say about you being there, but I guess, we could try. Or do you have any objections?" He looked at Leonard.

Leonard shook his head. "You will be bored," he warned his daughter. "You had better stay and play with Yumi, Sarah and their brothers."

"But I want to go with Jim!" She insisted.

"Alright then. But don't blame me for not having warned you."

* * *

While Hoshi wasn't bothered in the least by Joana's presence in her classroom and even managed to include her into her program – _Did you know that your name means 'laughter' in one of the Romulan dialects?_ – Chris at first didn't even notice her.

Only when he looked up because a student he had questioned on standard evasive maneuvers didn't answer his question, he saw her sitting in the last row next to Jim.

"What's this?", he asked, obviously torn between a frown and a smile. "Cadet Kirk, are you bringing your girlfriends to class now?"

The assembled students roared with laughter and Joana blushed.

"I'm not his girlfriend!", she announced proudly. "He's something like my uncle."

"Is he now?" Chris' eyes were twinkling with good humor. "Well, I hope, he has been teaching you something about tactics, because I'm going to ask you what to do with this enemy vessel right there." He pointed at a ship on the chart he was working with.

"That's easy," Joana told him confidently. "You just shoot it and boom! It is gone."

"Well you hear, gentlemen, ladies," Chris said seriously in turning to his class. "There's a piece of valuable advice for you. You just shoot and boom!"

After class, when the students filed out of the room to go to lunch, Joana stepped to the chart and watched in fascination, as the little ships fell back and regrouped, replaying attacks and defensive maneuvers Chris had been teaching about.

"This looks like the game Mal and Charlie always play. I didn't think grown-ups were allowed to play."

"Hey, I play. Don't I count?" Jim objected.

"You're not a grown-up," she told him seriously. "You're Jim."

"There you go," Chris said, smiling. "I totally agree with you, little one."

"I'm Joana McCoy," she told him.

"I know, dear. You have your father's eyes." Chris looked at her, then started to put his teaching materials away with a soft sigh.

"I need to get to my astrophysics class now." Jim said.

Joana frowned. "Astrophysics is all about numbers, isn't it? Then I don't want to come. It's _boring_."

"It is, but I don't have the time to take you back to your Daddy's right now, hon. You'll have to come along, I'm sorry."

"It's alright, Jim," Chris interrupted. "I'll take her."

Jim looked at him questioningly, then at Joana.

"Is that okay with you?"

She nodded. "We get along, don't we?"

Jim smiled, ruffling her soft blond curls with his hand. "Alright. I'll see you later then."

And he took off, to leave Joana and Chris to return to Leonard's apartment.

"You know," Joana said, "everybody always talks about you."

"Do they?" Chris asked, raising an eyebrow.

She nodded. "All the time. But whenever my Dad walks into earshot, they stop, like they don't want him to hear about it. Except for Anya. She just keeps talking. You know Anya? She's cool. She lives in a house full of plants."

"I know her. She's a very good friend of mine."

Joana looked at him thoughtfully. "Is my Dad also your friend?"

"Truthfully, I don't know, Joana."

"I'll ask him for you," she offered.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea." Chris replied, sighing.

* * *

Joana had been staying with her father for a week and a half, when the day Admiral Archer had fixed for the trial of Ryan and Samosa arrived.

As Leonard prepared to attend to it, he was glad to be able to leave Joana with Hoshi, who was about to take all five children to San Francisco Aquarium.

"It's no trouble, really," she assured him, "I promised them this trip anyway and they are thrilled to have Joana coming with them."

Leonard smiled at the petite woman standing there amid a tangle off excited children and yapping Beagles claiming her attention and he somehow envied Jonathan Archer for his large, chaotic, but nonetheless happy family.

"Have fun," he told the children.

"We will," Mal told him quite seriously as if that was an indisputable fact.

"Let's go then," Jim said, nudging Leonard to come with him. "Let's see what they'll do to these bastards."

Leonard nodded. He was not to keen on seeing Ryan and Samosa again, nor on testifying in front of the whole assembly, but he knew that it had to be endured. And after all, it was going to be rather satisfactory to watch how his tormenters got their asses kicked out of Starfleet for good.

Admiral Archer had set it up as a public trial and most of the cadets who didn't have classes at the moment, as well as a number of instructors and nearly every member of the Academy board was present. While Archer presided, two civilian instructors and the three board members who held the rank of Captain, but were currently appointed as Commander of Cadets assisted him, forming the panel of judges. There was no jury, as was common for this kind of trial and both sides had to present their arguments themselves and bring in witnesses who would support their claims.

Archer called Leonard first, and avoiding the curious, sympathetic and hateful looks that followed his every movement from various parts of the large hall, he rose to give as accurate an account as he could. He omitted everything alluding to his first clash with Ryan and Samosa, though.

After he had finished, Archer motioned him to sit down.

"Commander Spock. You were at the scene of events. I would like to hear your report of it."

"Certainly." Spock got up, standing as stiff and looking just as formal as always; he was positively radiating accuracy and objectivity.

"The morning of the fifteenth of August, I met Cadet Uhura to help her prepare for her Advanced Vulcan Linguistics exam and she voiced her concerns about Dr. McCoy. She had not seen him in a while and apparently her friend, Nurse Christine Chapel, had told her that he had not appeared at Medical that morning. As she had classes to attend to, I promised her to help looking for him and upon meeting with Christine Chapel and James Kirk; I proposed a systematic search of the Campus grounds."

"You teamed up with the pointy-eared hobgoblin?" Leonard whispered to Jim. "Hard to believe."

Jim snorted. "It was Nyota's idea. She was frantic, and she trusts him."

"Might be because she's sleeping with him."

"She is? No way!"

"Hush."

"We split up to conduct a more effective search," Spock continued, utterly unperturbed by their whispering. "During the course of that search, which lasted for more than two hours, I ran into Captain Pike, who joined me. He voiced his suspicions of Dr. McCoy having suicidal tendencies."

"You thought I was about to kill myself?" Leonard hissed to Chris, who sat next to Anya at his other side. "You wish!"

"I most certainly don't," Chris replied, looking hurt.

"I therefore suggested enlisting the help of Dr. McCoy's therapist, Counselor Anya Olivantes." Spock nodded towards her. "She pointed out that from her experience, if anyone had plans of such nature, he would naturally search for a secluded spot and there are not many such places to be found on the Academy grounds."

"Trust Spock to take a methodical approach," Leonard muttered.

"After another twenty-seven minutes of searching, we met Cadets Ryan and Samosa on the engineering grounds near hall 415 and as they acted rather suspicious, we decided to investigate further. They did not volunteer the information, however. Cadet Ryan attempted to fight me and run, but I convinced him to refrain from it."

"By using that Vulcan nerve-pinch of his, I bet," Jim commented.

"Cadet Samosa reluctantly led us to Dr. McCoy. I called Medical to have them send an emergency team down and we proceeded to freeing Dr. McCoy of his bindings."

"He's lying," Anya muttered. "It's quite obvious, if you watch him closely."

"Vulcans don't lie," Leonard replied.

"Fine, then he's 'omitting' or whatever you want to call it. But he's leaving out something."

"Trying to protect Bones, maybe?" Jim suggested.

"No. Trying to protect _me_", Chris said, shaking his head.

When Archer called on Samosa next, it became obvious what he'd meant by this statement.

"What Commander Spock conveniently forgot to mention is that Captain Pike almost killed me." His voice sounded hoarse as if someone had recently attempted to strangle him. It wasn't too hard to guess who that certain someone might be.

A murmur went through the assembly as everyone turned to watch how Pike would react to this.

"Well, but I didn't, did I?" Chris replied haughtily. "Don't _you _try and accuse me of handling you roughly when we're here to deal with the matter of you and your comrade torturing a fellow cadet! I gave all four of you a second chance the first time you got into a fight, because I thought that's what it was, students quarrels. A bunch of immature boys brawling over something. I am grieved to admit that I was wrong, I am disgusted at your actions and I'll have to apologize to all of my cadets for leaving such a menace among them instead of making sure you were dismissed in the first place."

He sat down again, outwardly seeming perfectly calm, but anyone who sat near him could see rage flashing in his eyes. Anya warningly put a hand on his arm, whispering something that sounded suspiciously like "Fool!"

_So it wasn't a dream in the first place_, Leonard thought. _I really heard Spock telling Chris to stop or he'd kill Samosa. _

Which led him to reevaluate the other dream fragments. Maybe they hadn't been dreams after all.

"This wasn't about giving _us_ a chance," Ryan sneered. "It was about you covering it all up so your protégés wouldn't get in trouble. The whole Academy knows you're sleeping with McCoy and as for Kirk…"

"Just keep your mouth shut, Ryan!"

"Cadet Kirk, I will call and you when I see fit. Until then, please keep quiet," Archer intervened. "For now, I'd like to hear Captain Pike's statement."

Chris got up again, confirming nearly all of which Spock had said and adding very little of his own to the description of events.

"Captain Pike, considering your personal involvement in the matter, I believe it is necessary to also question Cadet Kirk about that earlier incident mentioned by you and Cadet Ryan."

Chris looked as if he was about to protest, his gaze travelling to Leonard, who looked away.

Jim, however, decided to take action. "We drank a little too much and got into a fight, Admiral," he said, shrugging. "Things like that happen every day. Captain Pike caught us fighting and intervened. It was nothing out of the ordinary."

He smiled apologetically at the whole assembly, his bright blue eyes very large and innocent.

Leonard put his head into his hands, groaning.

_Good God, Jim, you're unbelievable!_

"Nothing out of the ordinary for _you_, Cadet Kirk," Admiral Archer said sternly. "I happen to know that you have quite a reputation on campus. While Starfleet may be a military organization, we do not support fighting among the cadets, I hope that has been made clear to you?"

Jim nodded sheepishly. He was putting on a good show.

"I hope so," Archer said, sighing. "Anyway, Cadet, you should not drag your friends into it at the very least. Leaving this aside for the moment and attending to the matter in question… I call Dr. Benedetti, head of Medical section four, to give her estimation on the grave injuries that Cadets Ryan and Samosa inflicted upon Dr. McCoy…"

The trial continued with Dr. Benedetti's testimony and Archer giving Ryan and Samosa a chance to defend themselves – they were not very eloquent, nor had they say very much that would help them on – then the panel retreated for further deliberations.

They did not take very long to agree on their verdict: Ryan and Samosa would be stripped of their position as Cadets, dishonorably discharged, and fined with a large sum.

"That's rather lenient," Chris commented, not looking too pleased.

Jim agreed with him. "But at least they'll be gone for good." He paused, then he asked with an unusual hint of respect in his voice: "Did you really almost strangle Samosa, sir?"

Chris shrugged and left it at that.

Anya turned towards Leonard. "How do you feel?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Is that concern, Anya?"

"I've always been concerned about you, as you perfectly well know. Don't think just because you almost died you'd get out of our regular sessions…"

"My daughter is here for another five days, Anya."

"Perfect, you can bring her right along. We'll have tea and cookies, for a change."


	7. Amor

It was with deep regret that Joana boarded the shuttle that would take her home to her mother a few days later. She had said good-bye to all her new friends, promising to visit them again real soon and Leonard had decided that he'd fight Jocelyn for joint custody if he had to.

"That's an excellent idea," Anya had told him approvingly, "she's good for you, you know. And bring your daughter along, whenever she's around, I absolutely adore her! She's just the cutest kid…"

"We'll send you pictures of our trip to Japan," Charlie promised Joana.

"Cool. Will you have to eat with chopsticks all the time?"

"It's not really that hard to do. I'll teach you next time you come," Mal replied.

Then Joana was gone, Hoshi and her husband herded their children homewards and Leonard suddenly felt very much alone. Vacation had started for most of the cadets, too, so the Academy grounds were less populated than usual. Jim was due to leave the next day to visit his mother, while Nyota was going on a field excursion and Christine had already left to spend a week in Florida with her boyfriend.

Leonard went back to his apartment and instantly missed the chatter and laughter that Joana had brought with her and that was gone, now that she'd left. He had put up a few new pictures of her, including one where she and Yumi Archer where dressed up as princesses, but the pictures could hardly replace Joana's presence.

He sat down at his desk to read and study, but couldn't concentrate and went to bed early, where he couldn't sleep either. In addition to his familiar nightmares, which had subsided a little due to all the excitement of the past few weeks, he now had visions of suffocating to deal with.

_Well_, he thought grimly, _at least Ryan and Samosa accomplished one thing – I don't think I'll ever get drunk anymore. Just the smell of alcohol is enough to make me sick now._

Tossing and turning in his bed, he wondered where Chris had gone to for his vacation _– stop it – _and whether he was more an adventure or a relaxation kind of person when it came to spending his free time.

If he even had such a thing as free time… actually, Chris always seemed to be occupied with _something_.

_And I wonder what it is now…_

_Damn, I miss him…_

He was still contemplating the unfairness of life itself, when a soft knock called him from his thoughts. His first thought went to Jim, who had probably managed to get into trouble again, some way or other, but then, Jim wouldn't have bothered to be so quiet. Jim didn't do _quiet_ very well.

He got up and walked over to the door, yawning.

"Is it anything important?"

"That sort of depends on your point of perspective," Chris replied from the other side of the locked door and his voice sent a familiar thrill through Leonard.

_What the hell…!_

"You're crazy," Leonard informed him, once the door was open. "Come in. It would be kind of embarrassing if anyone saw the two of us standing around in our pajamas."

"It's not like they have kittens and flowers printed on them," Chris said, a hint of amusement in his voice.

Leonard snorted. "Please don't tell me you got bored and wanted to discuss fashion issues with me."

"I couldn't sleep," Chris replied quietly. "And apparently, neither could you, or you wouldn't have heard me."

"You know I don't sleep well," Leonard muttered, not looking at him.

"I do."

For a moment, both of them were silent, then Chris said: "I came to apologize."

"Again?" Leonard sighed.

"I mean it, Leonard."

"I know. It just doesn't make me feel any better, you know?"

Chris raised a hand to touch his shoulder. Leonard looked up and their eyes met, gazes locking.

"Then what would make you feel better?" Chris whispered.

"You ought to know that by now," Leonard muttered, leaning his head against Chris'.

For a moment they just stood there, silently, then Chris drew Leonard into a tight hug.

_Well, at the very least, this feels good._

"Come on," Leonard murmured, freeing himself and leading Chris back to the bedroom. "It's late. We might as well try and get some sleep, if we're not going to talk."

He lifted the covers for Chris to join him, then drew them over both of them.

"You know," Chris muttered, his head against Leonard's shoulder, "we _should_ talk about it."

"We can do it tomorrow, if you promise to still be around by the time I wake up."

"I promise," came the sleepy answer.

* * *

Leonard's first thought upon waking up at dusk was amazement: Chris was still there. And sound asleep. His head rested against Leonard's chest, dark hair all messed up and sleep-tussled. Leonard carefully drew an arm around him, marveling at the fact that this was _real_.

Not a dream, nor wishful thinking.

_And I'll be damned if I EVER let him slip away again…!_

Chris started stirring, blinked and took in his surroundings with obvious confusion. Yet Leonard could have killed for the look on his face, when he finally realized where he was and why. It was just a brief moment, but in those few seconds, an expression of infinite delight and contentment shone on Chris' face.

_No need for any more explanations_, Leonard thought happily. _Life is good._

"Good morning." A soft smile lit up Chris' grey eyes.

_Indeed._

"You stayed."

"I keep my promises." Chris shifted a little in his arms to be able to fully look at him. "You look happy. No more nightmares haunting you, then?"

Leonard shook his head. "I'm not sure I'll ever be able to rid myself of them completely, but as for now… it was something nice, or at least something normal. About Joana."

That earned him another smile. "Anya will be jealous. A little girl did what she wasn't able to do."

"Give her some credit. Without Anya, I probably wouldn't be around anymore. She's doing an incredible job and her patience is almost inhuman. By the way – has she forgiven you yet for _ruining her work_, as she puts it?"

Chris chuckled. "Not entirely."

"I'm touched at her concern for me," Leonard snorted, "but if I remember correctly, you saved my life…"

"Right after I completely fucked it up, you mean." A pained look crossed Chris' face.

Leonard shrugged. "It was already pretty bad before that, you know. No, please don't apologize again. Try to explain what happened instead…"

Chris sighed. "After what happened that night, I felt like I had made an incredible mistake. It had nothing to do with you and everything with me… I… I felt as if I had taken advantage of the situation, and I hated the thought. That morning, I absolutely despised myself. I had vowed to take care of you, and I felt as if I had abused you, betrayed your trust in me, ruined everything."

"Well, the last two were true, but only _after_ you left me" Leonard muttered. He looked up at Chris, eyes lined with tears he couldn't blink away. "Idiot. Chris, just in case you hadn't noticed: I _love_ you. Had you stayed that morning, you would not have ruined my life, you'd have made it whole and complete again. You could have saved both of us one hell of a lot of pain and misery."

Chris reached up to touch his cheek and caress his face. "I know," he whispered. "But I didn't know then. I wasn't entirely sure about my own feelings and I was in doubt about yours…"

"Maybe we both ought to have listened to everyone else, huh? Seems like _Jim_ knew more about our mutual feelings then either of us."

"He did?"

"He told me you were in love with me, before I had even given a thought to that. I told him he was crazy."

"He was right, though." Chris stared down at him, that intense gaze Leonard had come to know so well and this time, it was not awkward or uncomfortable. Leonard drew a shaky breath, then wrapped himself around Chris, kissing him fervently.

When they came up for air, Leonard pressed his face into the other man's shoulder, not daring to say or even think any more.

"Oh, to hell with it all, Chris, I love you…!" His voice sounded hoarse in his own ears.

He felt Chris grow very still in his arms for a moment, then he drew back, forcing Leonard to look at him. "You really do, don't you?"

Leonard nodded, swallowing hard.

"Then why are you crying?"

"I… I don't know…"

"Hm. Let's ask Anya about it some other time, shall we? She usually understands why you're doing things. As for now…" He lent closer again, searching for Leonard's lips and brushing them with his own.

"… so do I…,"Chris whispered, before starting to kiss the tears of his cheeks. "Beloved."

"That's a very old-fashioned term."

"Shut up! You sound like Spock." But he was laughing, they both were now, laughing and crying at the same time, absolutely, deliriously happy.

"You should have told me earlier," Leonard complained.

"You weren't ready. Or at least, that's what I told myself. In truth, I guess, it's me who wasn't ready. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?"

"I love you."

"I'll take that as a yes."


End file.
